Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?