If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
pizza