[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
You Might Also Like
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.