[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
You Might Also Like
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.