My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ