If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
that colleague who touches your screen
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Social Media and Real life
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly