My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Yeah. This was me today.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
look at me when i’m typing to you
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail