Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
You Might Also Like
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
just having fun
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.