[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[montage of me giving-up]
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭