Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.