“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
U talkin 2 me?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.