I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My blood type is coffee.