BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.