I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
You Might Also Like
Always a metermaid never a meter
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
early stone age tool
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom