I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
You Might Also Like
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look