Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Otters see a butterfly.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Just say no
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE