Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
You Might Also Like
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Dishonest mechanic?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
not for long
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?