5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
just having fun
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
We’ve all been there…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Finally a use for spoilers…
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
welcome back
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?