Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.