John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me too 😆
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.