Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
March 16
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.