A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”