I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
This made me smile…
🤣🤣🤣
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him