SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I love the honesty
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches