*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.