Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.