[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Current mood: Potato
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Sharon I have some bad news
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.