My spirit animal is fried chicken
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
the red hot silly peppers
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):