I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?