My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Mouse
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk