It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
calling in to work dehydrated
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here