You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.