a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
You Might Also Like
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Oh my God.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.