Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I am crying
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
okay run it by me one more time
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery