I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand