GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Nomnomnomnom
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music