If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
You Might Also Like
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My last name is Zilla.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this