I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*