βοΈπ§π» π π¦
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
There’s never enough good news
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFLβ’ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
βYour call is important to usβ
[67 minutes later]
βYour call is important to usβ
[hold music]
Alanis: itβs like raaaaaiin π΅
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
βOMG, itβs so big!β
(Your ego)
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasnβt waving at me
so now Iβm gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
your quarterback name is your grandfatherβs first name and the last thing you did mineβs Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Sometimes I feel like Iβm cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I donβt have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The software development process
i canβt fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because theyβre so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Sonβs journal entry
π― sweet π― inaccurate on all counts
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”