*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Duolingo getting serious.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
😍😂🥰😂😍
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?