Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[montage of me giving-up]
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again