they finally got him. they got macavity
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*