Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
You Might Also Like
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
These are my roll models.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.