I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately