Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
How dramatic are you?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”