I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Who wants to be my Valentine?
This is the one
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg