My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny