Feel. He’s so soft.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Breakfast for Stoners:
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice