Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
mentally somewhere in italy
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship