Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.